Our little house has certainly expanded in the past couple of months. First it was Carmen and I, then Break, then Claira. Mist moved in with us and then later on her boyfriend Daniel and then after that, my sister came down for a visit for a while. So many people... I yearn for the days when it was just Carmen and I. I can barely get any alone time with Carmen. There is always someone interrupting me wooing Carmen. Claira asking for help with her homework, Mist talking about her cannibalism or the bloody letters that keeps getting mailed to our house. I don't know who this Ciro guy is
but I have bad feelings about him.
Ahem, tonight! Tonight I was totally alone with Carmen. She was still sick and acting a little funny and because of this; I rented out a hotel room and put everyone in it. Carmen's strange behavior worried me. She would have these mood swings
anger to sadness in just a switch.
Carmen and I were in her bedroom sitting on her bed. Carmen had her eyes closed but she was not sleeping. She was humming a song, interrupted by her sneezing or coughing.
"Would you like some water dearest?"
"No." She went back to humming.
"What are you humming love?" I moved some of her hair from her face and my fingers brushed against her forehead. She was burning up.
"I don't know. Some song I used to hear a lot as a kid. I don't know where though
"Oh. Well, I shall be right back. I'm going to get you water anyway."
"Karasu, wait. Can I ask you something?"
"Of course. You can ask me anything
"Do you remember everything from your childhood?" What an odd question.
"Mmm, well, I do remember some things about my life as a child
not all of them. Why do you ask?"
She sat up and bit her thumb nail. "It's just that. When I try and think really hard about my past, all I get is what my parents were like, what I did to L-Lizzie
the memories that led me to this
I can't remember anything else. I feel like there is a hole in my memories. Have the time
I forget how I even got here. I feel like I'm in a daze lately."
"You are not feeling well and you haven't slept for almost a week. Once you sleep for a while, I'm sure you will feel better. Now, what has got you thinking about your childhood?"
I don't know. When we went to the pet store
I saw this guy. He looked so familiar
I think I know him, but I don't know where."
"All I know is
whenever I try and think about him, my head hurts
right here." She raised a delicate finger and pointed to the back of her head. "I touch it and I feel something. Like a gash or something. Touch right here Karasu. Go on. Touch me."
How I wish she was talking about what had popped into my head. Doing as I was asked, I buried my fingers in her hair and felt around. "I don't feel anything."
"I could have sworn
I felt something. "
"You are probably just imagining it."
The lost look she had on her face turned into a hateful stare. "Why would I imagine a gash on my head?"
"Same reason you would imagine blood on the walls."
"The walls are bleeding
" she growled at me.
I raised my brow at her sudden attitude change. "No. They aren't."
She sighed, mad at me that I did not see her menstruating walls. Hmph. Carmen ignored me and went back to being lost in thought. Probably about that man she saw in the mall. I asked her if she would like something to eat and she ignored me again, still thinking about some other man. That thought made me a bit jealous. I wish she would think about me this hard.
"He had an interesting haircut
I have never seen anything like that before. I liked looking at it."
"My hair is interesting too." I released my hair from the bonds that held it up and let it fall all around me.
"He was staring right at me. The look in his eyes scared me a bit."
"My eyes won't scare you. If you look in them you will see nothing but love"
I feel embarrassed that I even said that.
"What are you talking about?" she snapped at me.
"Nothing, uh, just forget about that man right now and think about the man in front of you."
"Why would I want to think about you?"
I winked at her. "Because you love me."
"Who told you that lie?"
"Ah Carmen, let's stop playing this little game of Cat and Mouse. We have the house to ourselves
now. You don't have to pretend that you hate me anymore."
"Who is pretending? I hate you."
Even though I know she didn't mean it. It still stung a bit. Yes. She did not mean it. "Ah no you don't, you don't hate me. Stop lying."
"I'm not lying, Karasu. I hate you. If I could
I would kill you, but I wouldn't eat you. I don't eat filth."
"Heh, heh. Okay, enough of that-"
"-Even if I wanted to be with someone, it would defiantly not be with you. Not at all."
"Okay Carmen. I get it."
"You are annoying, controlling, pushy, self-centered man whose ego is probably bigger than the universe. I hate you."
"Someone is a bit cranky. Lie down Carmen."
"No. I don't want to."
"You need to sleep. How are you going to get better?"
"I will get better on my own. I don't need you hovering over my bed licking at my feet like some love sick puppy."
I narrowed my eyes at her and crossed me arms. "Right, and yet you cried for me like a little baby
because the boogieman jumped out of your closet and said boo."
"You shut up."
I'm not going to say the cliché "If looks can kill.", just let it be known that her glare could of caused a heart attack
it was very cute. I surprised her by pulling her close to me in a giant bear hug. She struggled against me, digging her nails into my shirt trying to hurt me, but I merely laughed at her attempt to cause me pain.
She gave up after a while, slumping against me in defeat and mumbling colorful, hateful words
about me. Then
she started crying. This would be the second time I have ever heard or seen a tear shed by her.
"Carmen, what's wrong?"
"I hate you!! Let me go damn it!!" She restarted her attempt to escape and I held her tighter against my chest.
"Shhh, go to sleep. You are cranky and irritable. I will lie down with you."
"No I hate you! Why don't you leave me alone!?"
"Because I love you."
"Liar! You don't love me! You just want to
to have s-sex with me!"
"While I do want to have sex with you, that's not all I want from you and you know it."
"No I don't know it! All you do is try too
too have sex with me! You don't love me! I don't know much about love, but people in love don't tie the ones they love up and
and do what you did! They don't kill their friends! They don't, they don't
" she stopped moving again and sobbed in my chest.
actually, some people do those things
uh, everything you said, people have done it to a point."
She glared up at me. "I hate you
I hate how you make me feel."
"And how do I make you feel?"
Like Logan did." Who the hell is Logan? Noted.
"I don't know who this Logan is, but-"
"-Achoo!" Right in my face
Come on. Let's lie down."
After I turned off the lights, I laid down on the bed with Carmen In my arms, as it should be, and, like the night before, she laid there sobbing in my chest. She still didn't fall asleep when she stopped sobbing. She started playing with a loose thread on my tie
hmmm, time for a new one.
"You need to sleep Carmen. You will feel better."
"You will try and sleep?"
only if you stay here."
"Of course. No matter what you say, I'm not going to leave you."
I can't remember
how to sleep."
"Just close your eyes and wait for sleep to take you."
"Isn't there ways you can put me to sleep?"
I know I shouldn't have after everything she said, but
I know you don't want to be drugged anymore
another way to tire one out is
you are never going to leave my side no matter what I do. You won't allow me to be with anyone else
not that I really care about that." She coughed and continued. "I give up fighting with you
just do it and get it over with
maybe when you see I'm not so special like you make me out to be
you will leave me alone. So
just do it. I give up. Just
I give up."
I didn't know what to say
so...I struck her. Hit her in the back of the neck and knocked her out. I left her there in the room and quickly walked out of the house. I needed air. I guess I walked all over here. I am glad you are here
I can ask you for advice
don't get used to it.
what she said made me feel
I don't know
weird. It overwhelmed me. A mixture of so many emotions shot through me. Now that I'm away from here
I can think. Why would she say that? Am I really that terrible to her? Should I take her up on her offer? Don't look at me like that. Think about it.
If I do take her up on her offer, I could show her how much love I have for her, maybe she will see
well..Wait. What if, because of her sickness, she didn't mean it
And if I do
it would be rape and
I...I don't know
what should I do? Should I go back there and make her mine? Or should I leave her alone and continue to take care of her
maybe take her to a hospital. What should I do?